After my father’s demise 35 days ago, I never thought I will be happy again! at least not so soon

I sit with my mother ,as she re-runs the story of his last days when my father was severely ill , sometimes I do not want to listen to them, and sometimes I myself join her adding the minute details she missed mentioning. Towards the end of such conversations, I find myself going through strange mix of emotions and feelings ,filled with all kinds of thoughts ,and most interestingly none of it making sense.

Perhaps ,Grief does that to most of us.

Today, was one such day, having been through a lot in the past 35 days ,the day my father died ,a lot inside me found itself left lonely in the big bad world. Even though I was never the typical daddy’s lil girl, but instead his friend ,philosopher, coach and a pillar of strength for him ,especially when he struggled to find meaning of the ever changing world around him.

As his caregiver ,his strength giver ,today I find myself in search of the same strength ,in a difficult quest with my inner self ,but I ‘m not able to easily locate it. An indication that the inner space need it , suddenly, I ask my mother ,to recall the days when my grandfather died and the approach adapted by my father about his demise. This also turns out of no use ,as my mother does not hold any proper memory of those times, more so ,in her words she never paid so much attention to provide details about a weird question I have asked .

Amidst my search for solace , I landed up at our lonely terrace after good six months ,as I move upstairs ,the wind welcomed me with a heavy gusto , my clothes and myself were in a whirlpool of very strong winds which I failed to realize while taking the staircase, the tress around swayed , as if some kind of music was being played and everyone in sync with the rhythm was swaying in one direction – in the direction of the wind .

After few minutes ,I sat on a pavement ,which is at the far end corner of the terrace, and was welcomed by a shower of goldmohur flowers on me , a tree that hovers this part of the terrace, it was indeed a very pleasant surprise ,it brought a smile to my face and i began enjoying the warm windy day.

I sat there looking at the clouds ,I thought to myself ,looking at the moving clouds, as they witness the earth below and the millions of live stories at play , the flowers continue to fall on my head filling my hair with the pollen and leaves , the swaying branches playing hide and seek with the sun creating beautiful patterns of shades on the terrace floor .

The entire experience was refreshing , it brought me the strength more so the solace back I was looking for . Moving clouds, change in season, strong winds , the last visit to my Terrace was six months back, when it was a foggy chill morning and I in search of some warmth through Sunlight. Today the place remains the same, but a lot has changed ,including the weather, reminding me of impermanence, fleetingness of life and passage of time ,with change being the only constant.

(c)Mehnaz Amjad 2021

The blog post series on – Little Joys of life ,you will find stories and experiences,bringing to my readers a closer glimpse of my life, with an intent to share the precious code of happiness ,which lies within our own self,and life ,all we need here is to find it in “The Little joys of Life”!

About the Author : Mehnaz Amjad MBA (HR),PMP,SHRM-SCP , is a certified Life Coach, Founder of Guide & Advice which offers Life Coaching & Training services to both individuals and organizations. Online : LinkedIn