A stitching work that took more than a month, several visits to the tailor shop, the assistant tailor narrating stories of his ill health, family issues and various funerals he was attending & grieving, I was at the receiving end of everything except an audience with my designer tailor.
Each day of delay tested my patience.
After seven weeks of delay and excuses, instead of my stitched garments, I was now more interested in expressing my angst and bottled emotions through a heated argument I foresaw!
Finally, when I met him in person, he was, poised and graceful, he explained the reason for the delay of seven weeks with an assertive politeness in his tone, leaving me tongue-tied and helpless.
I struggled for appropriate words and emotions but ended up more silent than him.
Self reflection
That day, when I sat to journal my thoughts, a question kept coming to my mind,
Why Couldn’t I speak?
Why was I tongue-tied despite the delay at his end,
Why was I not able to question or answer back.
“I felt defeated by the politeness of the tone”.
When I probed further, I learned, deep inside the defeated feeling, that my inner self was nudging me to look at a behavior that was expected from me but was being displayed by someone else.
& there were few more additional learnings I was able to gather from my self reflection.
Learnings
- Aggression and frustration are adapted more as protection measures to defend than offend.
- A tone laced with aggression, frustration and angst indicates an underlying issue.
- It is often the past negative experiences that we have been hiding and holding inside, that triggers its way out through everyday trivial issues.
- When our brain detects a threat, to keep us safe, it may adapt aggressive or a rude demeanor both in body and language.
- If language is a medium, our tone and pitch play a pivotal role in communicating the message as intended; a change in one can completely change the trajectory of the message.
Point to reflect – Have you ever find yourself expressing love to your loved one in an aggressive and frustrating tone? I guess your answer is a plain -no.
Similarly, if you need to reprimand or warn, you would not be using a tone or pitch in your language and voice that is soft, polite or laced with sensuality.
The tone and pitch we use in different context and situations in our life are usually with an intent to convey our real feelings.
In my case, I was tongue-tied because, at the outset, I was not being offended, and therefore, my brain was calculating and trying to figure out what could be the best response on the politeness been thrown my way; if offence is not the correct response, what else is, and in doing so, I ended up being more silent.
Coaching Ajay (Difficult conversATION)
So, when I worked with Ajay (client) and found him in a similar situation with his boss, way more complicated than conversing with a polite Tailor!, this 3-step method came to our rescue.
Watch it here
& anytime you find yourself in a difficult conversation, simply put it to practice .
(c) Mehnaz Amjad – 2017 -2024
About the Author ; Mehnaz Amjad, is a Coach and a Cognitive Behavior Practitioner
I’m on a mission to empower people with strategies and tools, they need to cope with difficult times & navigate through challenging circumstances.