- Have you ever reviewed your work before the final publication, only to procrastinate on it again because a colleague you shared it with made a remark about it?
- Would you rewrite a post that might miss an element of a framework you are referring to, but is a very well-written original work of yours?
- Do you consider meeting a specification less important than the approval of a majority of the people you have sought feedback from?
If you have answered “Yes” to even one of the three questions, it indicates you may often rely on other people’s approval before deciding, and, further beneath that, there is a hidden need to feel accepted at the core of driving most of your decisions.
Judy has just completed the final draft, but before submitting it to the project management system, she is going through it for the seventh time, and, while doing so, Sulekha’s voice echoes in her head about what she pointed out.
Judy immediately pings Rubeena and asks if she has 5 minutes for a quick chat, then walks up to her aisle and shares the final draft once again but does not mention Sulekha’s input.
Rubeena reviews it and offers her some feedback, but not similar to what Sulekha had pointed out. Now Judy is more confused than before and pulls out her original draft. After spending a good 15 minutes, she finds her original work way much better than the version she held in her hands and the feedback on it.
Judy is exhausted and equally confused, not able to decide which version she needs to pick.
She decides to revisit the draft after some time; the deadline was three weeks away. In the interim, she kept reviewing it every day, sometimes adding her own input and sometimes using an AI app.
With more than a decade of experience and exposure to complex international assignments, Judy still struggles every time she creates something of her own and feels a compulsive need to run it by several eyes before she can own it, let alone publish it.
Judy felt much safer and more accepted when more than one person approved of her work, whether human or machine. The quality specifications were secondary; what mattered was people’s approval more than whether it served its purpose, and therefore many good ideas that could have been her very own never found ground because she never mustered the courage to own them and take the risk of running them.
She still regrets not applying to the international convention, merely because she believed her idea was not good enough; when she ran it by several other people, each gave her an opinion of their own, which mattered to her more than her original creation.
Compassion To Self
This year, Judy completed 15 years in her job and field; however, her appraisal report said otherwise, and this made her reach out for help.
During one particular session, I gave her a self-compassion technique, which I also initially facilitated in a session for her so that she could grasp its essence.
During the practice, at a point where she had to offer kindness to her inner self, the experience changed something inside her; she had an epiphany and realized she mattered! And that her self-worth was not attached in any way to the corporate progress she could not make or to the project assignments that were not approved.
In the middle of the session, Judy could not hold back her tears and broke down!
Offering compassion to herself, she felt as if she had met a long-lost friend who embraced her without judgment.
Self-compassion is one of the most underrated concepts and a rarely practiced notion in self-care, and when we put it into practice, it not only nourishes the entire self but also activates those parts of ourselves that have been hidden and ignored, which now find themselves offered an opportunity to feel acknowledged and apprised.
It is much like the first rain after a long summer. The earth does not become green overnight, but the moment it receives water, something begins to soften beneath the surface. Seeds that lay dormant for months finally find the conditions to grow. In much the same way, self-compassion doesn’t instantly change our lives. It creates the emotional conditions in which the neglected parts of us finally feel safe enough to emerge.
Judy felt her inner-self experience, a deep sense of calm and nourishment, as if she was enough in her own space and needed no other validation or reassurance!
You may attach a lot of meaning to your self-worth to the area of your life where you contribute the most, and for most of us, like Judy, that is the workplace.
Seeking input and corrections is part of any quality process; however, trouble starts when the quality parameters of the workplace become parameters of self-worth.
Remember, work is an expression of your competence and not a yardstick of your self-worth.
As of today, Judy, with the help of the bespoke journal technique, has been able to bring to the surface the various meanings she unconsciously attached to her self-worth at work, along with the reasons that dominated her decisions and approach towards new assignments.
After a thorough 4 months of coaching, Judy is now able to make decisions quickly, and for the important ones, she knows the framework the decision needs to go through, not others.
If, like Judy, you also find yourself stuck and indecisive, in search of that one last filter that would guarantee it, yet not able to bring yourself to move ahead, perhaps it’s time to understand what keeps you seeking reassurance before you trust yourself. When you’re ready, I’d be glad to help you explore that.
Warmly,
Mehnaz Amjad
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