It was the seventh time I had changed my dress, and I was hastily rummaging through my wardrobe, looking for that perfect color code to meet the requirements of my Father’s aunt’s funeral.

In doing so, I had spent more than two hours and not spared my sibling’s wardrobe in the hope that it could offer me something; I could not go beyond this because the supply of clothes I had was limited and all my options were exhausted.

I, for some reason, always think in sequence and order, and an invisible order runs through my neural pathways in search of that colour code that was struggling to match the standard I had in my head for a funeral attire.

After three hours and seven attempts, with no more options left, I decided to abort the search and went straight to my grandmother’s residence to attend the funeral.

I was not late to the event, but when I arrived, I found no one paid even a microsecond of attention to what I wore and whether the standard I so intently carried in my head about funeral attire and colour code was approved.

I was both exhausted and equally surprised with the reaction of the crowd in absolute neutrality, while I had worked so hard to appease.

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Years later, during a personal reflective session this experience resurfaced in one of my assignments; I was into an expressive writing mode, in which I often discern from my responses which mostly comprises of long copious journal notes and try to recreate the thoughts into easy understandable patterns. I call it giving shape to your thoughts.

A revisit to this particular story gave me deep insights into areas of myself I had never paid attention to. What I found the most intriguing part was the start point and where it actually took me.

On the surface, it came across as a trivial, ordinary event from a day; but the reflective work gave me a new glimpse into my inner world.

What I found?

It turns out, in the garb of sequence and colour code, I was actually more concerned about how those specific people would perceive me, and why perception mattered here?

This was because there were misconceptions about me in their house which were false, and I wanted to clarify it.

And why I want to clarify it

Because I believed if I clarified it

People won’t be disappointed

If people are not disappointed

People will not reject me!

Observe how, in my story, the behavior starts with the trivia of colour code and ends up in the deepest recesses of my inner self, where I feared rejection.

The pattern runs deep.

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If you’ve ever looked back at your own behaviour and wondered, “Why did I react like that?”, don’t stop at the behaviour.

Follow it.

It may lead you somewhere you never expected.

Here are those two questions you can use to reflect deeply, so that you are able to find what is actually underneath those behaviours.

Q1. Why disappointing people is unbearable to me?

Q2. What will happen if I disappoint?

Let me know what came up for you. Were you able to reach your inner self and find answers to things you ponder over? If you want to take this ahead, I’m here to help.

Warmly,

Mehnaz Amjad.

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