In our previous edition, we understood, through the step-by-step method, the guilt points and the reasons at play that prevented us from saying “No” without guilt.

Let’s take a step further and learn more in depth about how setting healthy boundaries can help us a great deal both at work and in our personal lives.

The very foundation of establishing healthy boundaries begins with awareness of what a healthy boundary is, which might also include being aware of your beliefs, thoughts, and values. Besides this, you also need to be aware of those areas, especially people and relationships, where poor boundaries are costing you a lot.

Healthy boundaries are like the bark of a tree. The bark doesn’t keep the tree from growing or exchanging air and water with its environment. It simply protects the living layers inside from insects, disease, injury, and harsh conditions. Without bark, even a strong tree becomes vulnerable.

One thing I’ve observed, both in my own life and in working through this practice, is that setting a boundary is often not the hardest part. Sustaining it is. And that’s usually where things become confusing.

In my own personal practice, initially, Ive had to muster a lot of courage in a mere mention of a “No”. I would wrestle with my thoughts and guilty emotions, hijacking my reasoning and constantly nudging me in slow whispers to go back and say a Yes, my emotions would make me feel as if Ive just committed a grave sin and the only redemption possible was going back to the original “Yes” me.

I just wished if setting and sustaining healthy boundaries were as easy as the bark of a tree, each of us would never have to go through the emotional waves of complexities that rise and fall with each of our life experiences.

If you’ve ever replayed a conversation in your head, wondering whether you should go back and undo your “No,” you’re not alone. Sustaining a boundary often requires more emotional strength than establishing it.

So, in order to put to rest the need to find an effective approach. I’ve designed 3-part frameworks that will assist you in getting started.

Follow the sequence and format shared below to help you establish healthy boundaries for yourself.

Start with: Identify the Area

Before you set the boundary, choose an area where it is required, pick one from the list and then follow the steps given after

1. Workplace
2. Personal
3. Friends

Next,

Part 2: Diagnose boundary lines

Begin with a grounding exercise of 3 deep breaths; grab a pen and a notebook, and then. Recall a past event, or an experience when you could have said a “No” but you couldn’t.

Write it in detail.

Then, from what you wrote, refer to it and answer the following questions;

1. What is my intention in this situation?
2. Am I genuinely responsible here? (Answer only yes or no.)
3. If yes, what exactly is my responsibility?
4. What meaning have I attached to saying “no”?
5. What am I afraid will happen if I refuse?
6. What is the worst realistic outcome if I say no?
7. How likely is that outcome?
8. If it did happen, how would I cope?

Your response to these questions will offer you insights into the unconscious beliefs and thoughts driving you, especially the assumptions you consider true, which may be mere assumptions or opinions only.

Part 3: Establish healthy boundaries;

From your responses above, create a table with three columns.

Title the first column as behaviors, and in it list the behaviors both of your own and the other people who trespassed your boundaries, and in the next column title it as Your Why and underneath in that column provide your reasons for your behaviors.

Then, the third column title it as your plan of action; underneath it, you will come up with all the action items you could brainstorm to establish a healthy boundary.

It might look like this –

The detail with which you will write each and every experience of yours, the closer you get to know yourself and all that which kept you in a constant struggle with others, beyond boundaries you might also understand the patterns running underneath, your own limits and limiting beliefs that stem from unnamed fears.

Remember, healthy boundaries are not walls that keep people out; they are clear guidelines that help healthy relationships thrive.

Kindness and courtesy will always be your common tools across all your attempts to set healthy boundaries, and the more you practice, the less guilt you will feel.

Start with one boundary, practice it consistently, and allow yourself the grace to improve with each attempt. And if you still find yourself struggling to establish or sustain boundaries, I’m here to help, and you can connect with me here

Warmly,

Mehnaz Amjad.

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PS : Summary of the 3-part framework.