​My cordial relationship with my domestic help went kaput.

She has been working for us for many years. For leaves, she requests to allow her weeks of vacation every time she visits her native town, a small district miles away from the city. 

The travel itself is an overnight journey, and she also suffers from motion sickness. Therefore, she always has a minimum of five days’ leave, and there is no limit to the maximum she can take.

Despite her repeated weeks of absence in the past two months, a week ago, when she asked for a day off, my response was a curious question; I asked Why do you now need a one day off for.

She replied that she is entitled to rest and restoration like any other human being.

Her tone and sense of entitlement cut short all attempts to a peaceful resolution.

Despite the best of reasoning, she refused to agree to anything; on the contrary, she gave answers and explanations that were uncouth and half-understood.

Finally, we settled for a new rule: in the future, she is eligible for two leaves a month, and a third leave will result in a loss of pay.

She immediately did not turn up for the next two days, making the most of the new rule even though I felt, she had no immediate need of it.

sudden Change of Equation

This sudden change of equation had put me off; I felt taken for granted and wanted to fire her, but somehow, I took control of both my anger and the deep hurt I felt from her sudden change of behavior.

Realisations

I thought, if some people bring the best out of you, like my mentor and coach, similarly, some people can also bring the worst out of you. At the present moment, she was on it.

Self reflection practice

Every time I get into my worse self, it’s a warning sign I’ve set for myself, and this comes from a practice of years, which is to immediately start the self-reflection practice, this begins with a question, at that given moment; what is that a domestic help can also make me feel vulnerable, was the question, I was in search of an answer.

Click > What is the problem?

I began with listening to a podcast I created many years ago, and as I sat there practicing it, here’s what I found. 

Past

There was a pattern to it; this event and her behavior reminded me of a friend from my school days who I counted on, who also had a sudden change of equation in her behavior when I met her again after a vacation, then another cousin who I grew up having found a new group left me alone and I was never allowed inside the group.

Several years later, I found myself working with in similar kinds of people and groups and a lack of inclusivity in the workspace. 

Since then, this sudden change of behavior has been something that ends up making me feel very vulnerable and alone.

After my reflection practice, I was able to gauge the real cause of me feeling so profoundly hurt. 

It was not the domestic help or her behavior, but the brain and memory at play.

BRAIN AND MEMORY

• A similar pattern that my brain recognizes as an experience, and since such a similar experience has been stored in my memory (hippocampus), the present-day experience immediately takes me back to it. 
• My mind then behaves in ways to keep me safe from another similar experience.
• I begin to feel the same feelings of isolation and loneliness of the past but in the present.
• I’m operating out of the past but experiencing it in the present.
• I realize part of me that needs to heal.
• A part of me that need to re-work on building healthy boundaries.

Way ahead to healing

Unless I heal this part of me, it may continue to take me past those years and make me feel and react, sometimes in the form of emotional hurt after a verbal spat with a domestic help or sometimes feeling raw and vulnerable with strangers trolling me on my social media platforms.

I decided to heal this part and here’s where the work began.

Questions to answer for yourself

Is there a part of you that gets triggered by trivia, and you wonder why?

Is there a part you think you still need to make peace with?

Is there a part that fails to understand the unnecessary rage and deep hurt residing inside you?

Out of the three even if you have answered “yes” to a single question, then my friend here’s a link, and let’s talk. 

(c) Mehnaz Amjad – 2017 -2024

About the Author ; Mehnaz Amjad, is a Coach and a Cognitive Behavior Practitioner

I’m on a mission to empower people with strategies and tools, they need to cope with difficult times & navigate through challenging circumstances.